The other day I was running some errands in town while it was raining heavily and because I felt no need to get my stupidly baggy jeans even more wet I ducked into a tiny coffee shop I hadn’t noticed before.
I actually don’t tend to frequent coffee shops all that much because I object to paying over the odds for something I can make equally as well at home. I know the atmosphere isn’t the same but unless I have a mac book, or a compilation of haiku poetry with which I can sit in the corner while alternately looking up into the distance and sighing wistfully I feel out of place. It’s like they know I don’t read poetry, own an Apple product or *always* drink fair trade and for this they want to cut me. I better not tell them I’m a former vegetarian..
Anyway, I took my turn in the queue and the lady before me placed her order of ‘double tall, extra hot, half decaf hazelnut soy skim latte with added foam’ and immediately my brain flat lined in much the same manner as if I had just opened the Sunday Times crossword before being fully awake.
I think secretly, in the coffee shops around the world, there is a little competition running for the customer with the most ostentatious order and I’m waiting for the bells to ring, lights to flash and for confetti to fall from the ceiling but alas this lady must not be the winner today because the baristas bored expression remained unchanged as she notes down the order. She then looks up at me with the simple raised eyebrow indicating it is now my turn to see what I can throw at her and once I have pulled my mind back from wondering if the previous order consisted of an actual, comprehensible sentence I mumble.. ‘err, latte please, big..’ I simply didn’t have enough time to concoct my own lengthy order to try my hand at winning the prize.
My next order will not be so easy I fully intend on going back in the near future and asking for a 6 inch tall, 60 degree c, quarter decaf latte with slightly off-dusk white foam made from beans which have been ground by the hooves of unicorns. With fries.
I wish I was sophisticated enough to be able to put in a detailed order in a coffee shop. I really do. I wish I knew all the trendy buzz words, and owned open toed sandals and linen shirts. I wish I could listen to M.O.R music without wanting to stab ice picks through the thickest parts of my cranium, deeeeep into my brain.
I wish I didn’t think for myself and I hate the fact that I hesitate from jumping on the latest bandwagon. I too wish that I showily carried around useless apple hardware and other trinkets of faux intellectualism. I wish I didn’t see the irony of insisting on fair trade wares on the sales floor of a mahosive global conglomerate. I wish I even knew what a macchiato was… Maybe then I would know what the hell I was ordering as I miss-pronounce every drink on the menu… I wish I had the guts to just walk in and go “ONE COFFEE, IF YOU PLEASE!”… I wish I wish I wish… next time…
Comment by Waving Gopher — August 24, 2007 @ 4:17 pm
Woah there cowboy. I am sensing my poor attempt at humour has revealed some deep seated issues? lol
I secretly covert Apple wares you know..I am just bitter they fall out of my price range currently.
*falls silent and takes another sip from her Starbucks mug *
Comment by debbie — August 24, 2007 @ 4:38 pm
Haha. I remember going into a Starbucks once and they actually had little guides on how to order like the lady in front of you.
The coffee shop I go to is brilliant. It’s a small hidden one with extremely comfortable sofas, and when I go there I don’t even have to order because I frequent it so much the people who work there know what I want. It’s fabulous.
As for your next order of the beans ground from unicorn hooves, please capture the moment on video for I believe it will be a greatly historic moment.
Comment by Maren — August 24, 2007 @ 5:05 pm
*takes deep breath and sips from own stolen Starbucks mug*
Comment by Waving Gopher — August 24, 2007 @ 5:46 pm
My ex used to work in Starbucks, and there’s a competition she would have where she had to say her order as fast as possible.
I giggled whenever she got it wrong.
Whenever I’m forced to go into Starbucks, I always ask for a cup of tea. They look at me like I’m crazy.
Comment by Rhys — August 26, 2007 @ 8:13 pm
[...] Debbie will try and Outdo You in Coffee Shops. [...]
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