So some of you may know that I decided, for fun, to cut out dairy from my diet for 6 weeks. Just to see what happens. I am all about experimentation. Read into that what you will.
The first two weeks have gone quite well truth be told. There have been a few moments when various people have been especially mean (1: coming round to dinner and bringing chocolate fudge cake to say thanks, 2: leaving me in a room with a huge amount of chocolate and so on) but generally it has all been good.
Until the last few days that is, when I have noticed that I have been in one hell of a bad mood. Everything anyone says to me seems to wind me up in a major way and I have to remind myself that it is just me being a grumpy little fucker and that while my kitchen knives are all shiny and sharp they are not to be used on people. No matter how tempting.
So, yes you might lose weight, yes you might feel a little more energetic. But the constant suppression of the urge to force mass amounts of people through an industrial sized mincer is rather tiresome.
Therefore, for the sake of humanity I should be allowed cheese, and chocolate and well..chocolate cheese. Agreed?
I don’t really like talking about work on here. Mostly because accidentally leaving my blog on the screen whilst I get distracted is something I can very much see me doing. Hell my boss has already accidentally come across IM conversation I had about a purple fisting mitten..(DO NOT ASK) and I think he already thinks I am a loose cannon (fisting and loose in the same sentence? Yes I win) and I want to be able to leave this place on my own initiative rather than being forced out the door.
Mostly because I want to be able to pull out my so long sucka’s dance as it is really something to behold, also I don’t have an oops I got fired dance. Yet. I usually have a dance for everything.
Anyway, I may or may not have mentioned that where I work is sort of like an ongoing episode of Big Brother, except without the alcohol, dressing up, and sex under tables. Basically Big Brother without all the fun.
We have several large cameras (and we are small small office so talk about overkill) which record all of our movements, and as an added bonus it also records all of our conversations. I am pretty sure this is actually illegal but I am too lazy to find the piece of legislation which says this. We only found out about the recording of conversations part when a co-worker and I were messing around on the all powerful computer upstairs and found the camera feed.
I would really love to be able to get ahold of the footage from these camera’s because there really will be lots of classic stuff on there like:
* A verbal smack-down between two of the girls in the office who deeply hate each other and only communicate between a third-party. I was hoping hair pulling would be involved but alas it was only screaming and occasional oh no you diiin’t.
* The two new part-time staff members who are SO unbelievably upper class, British snob stereotypes with *that* accent. They spend the entire time rah rah rah’ing their way round the office. Stopping occasionally to spit out enough platitudes to cause my eyeballs to roll right out of my head and make a spirited break for freedom out of the front door.
* My former two work mates (*cry* I loved them so) who, whilst working their month notice, set up a rival company and stole half our business contacts all the while using the office phones and computers to do so. The rapscallions. I wonder who could have taught them to clear their browsing history?
* My boss’ reaction to the slightest bit of confrontation. He, bless his little cotton socks, hates anything remotely like that and we see A LOT of it. The poor guy practically wets himself as soon as voices are raised and we frequently have to sit him down with a cup of tea to calm his nerves.
I honest to god think that throw in a bit of intra-office sex and maybe some scorpions and we’d be a hit reality tv show. Not least because who wouldn’t want to see snobby British estate-agents get chased round an office by scorpions. Hell I know I would.
Dear Blog:
I know that I have been a bad blogger. Really I do. But there are several very traumatic and valid reasons for my absence and I hope you will forgive me for my lack of input.
The other day I was coming home along the dark, cobbled streets of my town, my head filled with witty and brilliant blog ideas(as normal). When all of a sudden out of a dark side alley came these ninjas. Dressed all in black and looking for a knife fight. Of course I fought them off as best as I could because, as you know Mr Blog, I have some pretty good ninja skills. But there were 3 of them and only 1 of me. They beat me up and stole my blog ideas. I have put up reward posters for the safe return of these blog ideas but alas no news as of yet.
THEN. When I had recovered from the trauma of that horrific incident I was toiling away in my place of work (as normal) when, as I left the office, I was cruelly and viciously mown down by a herd of wild unicorns. I heard that they had been finding it tough out on the mean streets of my town due to a shortage of rainbows and glitter. A result of these tough economic times no doubt. Police are advising the locals to carry around bags of skittles (Unicorns also eat skittles due to their close affinity with rainbows) but at the time I was unaware of this.
So, there you have it Mr Blog. The reason for my lacksidasical updating of you. I promise that once I am recovered from the above I will be back to my normal blogging routine.
Kisses and hugs.
Me
* Could also be read as: I was lazy and forgot.
