I know that I have been a bad blogger. Really I do. But there are several very traumatic and valid reasons for my absence and I hope you will forgive me for my lack of input.
The other day I was coming home along the dark, cobbled streets of my town, my head filled with witty and brilliant blog ideas(as normal). When all of a sudden out of a dark side alley came these ninjas. Dressed all in black and looking for a knife fight. Of course I fought them off as best as I could because, as you know Mr Blog, I have some pretty good ninja skills. But there were 3 of them and only 1 of me. They beat me up and stole my blog ideas. I have put up reward posters for the safe return of these blog ideas but alas no news as of yet.
THEN. When I had recovered from the trauma of that horrific incident I was toiling away in my place of work (as normal) when, as I left the office, I was cruelly and viciously mown down by a herd of wild unicorns. I heard that they had been finding it tough out on the mean streets of my town due to a shortage of rainbows and glitter. A result of these tough economic times no doubt. Police are advising the locals to carry around bags of skittles (Unicorns also eat skittles due to their close affinity with rainbows) but at the time I was unaware of this.
So, there you have it Mr Blog. The reason for my lacksidasical updating of you. I promise that once I am recovered from the above I will be back to my normal blogging routine.
I am really sorry but I totally have a bone to pick with Jesus.
Infact I think that every person who could never quite get into *those * jeans should have a bone to pick with Jesus. My epic and totally coherent logic is as follows:
Jesus created easter right? Because he totally died and people totally cried and it was all sad sad sad.
Then Easter started becoming more about bunnies and chocolate and eggs and shit. Sometimes even CHOCOLATE EGGS.
So technically Jesus made Easter all about Chocolate.
Then you get all the poor peoples who come along that were doing so fucking well with their healthy eating shit after Christmas and then BANG the shops fill up with thousands upon thousands of happy giving Jesus chocolate eggs.
Shopping then becomes torturous and horrid for all these people and eventually, unless you are a hero, you crumble and fill your basket with the Jesus chocolate.
So, Jesus died for humanity’s sins. And in doing so created a bazillion more tasty chocolate sins.
He obviously didn’t really care if we listened to those 7 deadly whatjamacallits or he would have made Jesus lettuce now wouldn’t he?
I love how it is being promoted as being “the scent of seduction” because mmmm nothing like the smell of a greasy fast food burger to turn me on.
Ew.
I sort of wish I hadn’t already bought a gift for someone I dislike because this would be totally awesome. Nothing says I hate you like a bottle of burger smell.
I think most of you out there know how much I love zombies.
Anyway, I was sat around at work, everything is dead (pun was really not intended) because people just aren’t buying houses right now and I was using my empty time to think about zombies (as you do). I was thinking how someone really ought to make a reality show Big Brother/movie type cross over where a housemate is infected by a zombie and then we all slowly watched the rest fight it out to see who could survive. Even cooler, what about if 28 days later had a reality show spin off..where the whole of humanity turn into zombies and the contestants know nothing about it until eviction night. I think it would work really well if it is done along the same lines as Shaun of the Dead and it is about the only way Big Brother would be remotely watchable.
Plus it would really inject some life (again, not intended) into reality shows because people are just so bored with them.
Turns out E4 blatantly stole my idea..about a year before I even had it. There is a show called Dead Set which is basically that premise. I am now on a mission to track down the episodes so I can get my zombie on.
So yes, that is pretty much what I do at work when it is quiet. Sit around and think of zombies. Or Unicorns and on the odd occasion I think about bacon.
At school we had sex education when we were about 11 or so. It was awful and embarrassing..all the parents were called in to review the material beforehand and raise any issues about what they were showing us. Only one parent complained and tried to insist we shouldn’t have sex education. Mine. It was one of those awful videos which shows naked people sat around talking, a quick diagram of the act and then it quickly moved on to the implications of having sex, from disease to pregnancy. It was painful for all of us because we already had a good idea of what sex was all about and this ancient video was just plain amusing.
How times have changed (yeah I sound like I am 60), I was scanning through the TV channels earlier this morning and came across a kids tv show on one of the main channels which was covering sex in this particular episode.
First they were talking about positions, the most popular being doggy style and boy did they go into detail, including the use of various household objects or toys you might just, at the age of 11, have laying around.
Then they went off into the street to discuss with the public the ups and downs of faking orgasms along with asking if it was important to reach orgasm during sex. They covered gay sex. They also (which was mortifying, even for me) went up to a bunch of the kids parents and asked them what their turn-ons and fantasies were. Before asking which position they most favoured, while the child psychologists gleefully rubbed their hands together thinking about the hours of therapy needed after that particular revelation.
I am pretty confident that if this was the material shown to the parents when I was at school then my mum would have dropped dead on the spot.
On this most special chocolate based Sunday I decided it was my duty to make a tribute to the best thing to happen to Easter..since..well..ever.
So here you have it. Happy Easter people!
Today also snowed, not a lot of snow, but enough for me to get excited, run around and then come back in complaining that it was cold. Good times.
While I was home for Christmas I found myself watching hour after hour of the old grey films to while away the hours. One of the things that struck me while I was watching was the sheer drama that would be featured.
I’m not talking about the lifetime style ‘I really shouldn’t be tearing up over this’ type of drama but more the over the top dramatics that you just don’t see much anymore. It started a discussion going about why it’s gone and one theory was modern technology (see? we can blame technology for everything!! My impossibly not-straight hair?..Damn you technology!)
Sort of like how video killed the radio star but more technology killed the drama queen.
Take for example, I think maybe three of the films I watched featured the heroine catching on that her man was really just a jerk so she would be smugly saying her piece into the telephone and then, in a slightly gleeful manner the receiver would be slammed down and the person on the other end of the tirade would be left in no uncertain terms of the fury of our heroine. But now, with mobile phones what can you do?
You yell your piece to the person at the other end of the line and then what? You take your phone from your ear and stare at it for a few seconds waiting for the red mist to subside so you can now see the ‘end call’ key and then you jab your finger at it as if the force is directly proportional to the noise the person on the other end will hear, but in all reality all they can make out is the bleating of several keys as you accidentally jab at those on your way to the big red button. Or even worse..if you possess one of those flip phones (and whyyyy for the love of cake, flip phones are the spawn of evil) you take the phone from your ear and flip it shut. I am sorry but flip is not a word that can be associated with intense anger, it is more associated with the mild annoyance you might feel when you realise your breakfast cereal sat too long in the milk and has now gone mush.
Another fine example is email. Can you express your anger through email? Most people would say yes and that anger can be displayed quite easily through the misuse of the caps lock key or excessive exclamation point usage. SEE? ANGER. GRRR!!1ONE. But really you look stupid because the caps lock is forever associated with people wHo tYpE lIkE tHiS so your anger is lost slightly in translation.
I suppose you could always use bold or italics because nothing gets your point across quite like some spiffy italicised words. You betcha.
How about the old favourite of the black and white film. You are out having a meal with someone and realise they are nothing short of infuriating and you wish to leave in a flourish that would leave the other diners pause, lobster thermador halfway to their mouths as they non too covertly try and work out what is going on. Instead of being able to throw the cash down, turn on your heels and storm out, leaving only a trace of your perfume behind, you have to hurriedly fumble in your pockets for your card, then when that fails, rifle through your bag to find it. All the while you have to try and catch the waiter persons eye, maybe by waving your arm around, because you don’t possess cash and would they please hurry and bring the chip and pin machine so you can (angrily of course) punch your number in, wait while the card is processed and when it’s done THEN snatch it out, turn on your heels and leave. I guess you could always throw your drink in their face and then leave without paying the bill, but I always pay my half so I go by that assumption.
Can you imagine if the famous ‘We’ll always have Paris scene was interrupted by Ilsa Lund’s cell ringing out ‘Dontcha’?
Kid: Mum! I don’t want them done up, everyone else doesn’t so I’m not gunna!
Mum: Look just do the damn laces up will you, you’re only going to fall over and break your neck..
Kid: NO, I won’t, it’s fine I wear them like this all the time, stop nagging!
Mum: Fine but when you break your neck you can damn well feed yourself.
Obviously karma is having a little fun because just as the kid gets that triumphant look on his face which every teenager gets when they think they have won an argument against their parents he steps right on his shoe lace, wobbles back and forth, the triumphant look instantly gone and then he bites it in truly spectacular fashion.
I think what almost caused me to choke to death from laughing the most is when he picks himself back up he meekly bends down and ties his shoe laces into perfectly cute little bows and walks off completely beaten.
Or even if you are not, Happy Sex Family Contact Day to you!
To counteract falling population rates a region of Russia is encouraging people to take the day off of work to have sex, if a baby is born exactly nine months from today then you can win a range of prizes from SUVs to TVs.
Could be an interesting conversation a few years down the line when you ask why your parents decided on having you..’well you know that snazzy SUV in the drive that all the neighbours are jealous of? Well it’s a funny story..’
