When one of our housemates moved out she left behind a dvd player which I vaguely remember her saying it didn’t work. Because she was even more techno-tarded than me I thought it maybe didn’t work because of a blown fuse or I would maybe need to rewire the plug to get it working and then we could utilize it in the kitchen.
So I plug it in and press the magical on button and I could hear some whirring sounds from within..I bend a little closer to make sure that the sounds are coming from the player and not from any of the other electrical equipment nearby and juuuust as I get close BANG! (no the dirt isn’t gone Mr. Scott) the player explodes. Right next to my ear. I am hoping the ringing will subside very soon.

I didn’t actually know dvd players could explode but I have the say the smoke and sparks were very impressive..and scary.

Chalk that up on the list of things I have exploded, right alongside Vacuum cleaner, microwave and grass cutter (I am taking odds on what is going to be next so get your bets in).
I was also going to test the random digi-box I found at the back of our cupboard of crap this morning but you know what, I think I might just throw that away without any testing.

There are ways to wake up on a summer’s morning which are acceptable and there are ways which are not.
An alarm is semi acceptable because if it is going off you must have *something* that needs doing eventually which is why you set the evil device in the first place right?
A very loud knock from the post person is something I consider acceptable because usually it is an omen of good things so i don’t mind when it causes you to leap from bed thinking ‘Holy wow I must be getting a parcel filled with exciting goodness’ (I, um, get very happy when parcels arrive you see…) and then move at speed, well, as fast as my still asleep muscles can allow. I don’t mind right up until the second before cartoon skidding at the top of the stairs realising that hmmmm i’m not dressed in very much at all and what *does* cover me may or may not have the face of Spongebob Squarepants grinning out in such a psychedelic yellow that it could serve as a replacement runway light should the need ever arise. This is very much a sight that I don’t want to inflict upon innocent people really because I don’t have the money to cover any resulting therapy bills.
After I had gone back and found a suitably neutral coloured item to cover up Spongebob I opened the door to my giant box of exciting goodness and behind which was the face of the very cute post person who looked mildly terrified of the person blur that had emerged from the doorway. It was at that point that I thanked some of those lucky stars for not having a horde of cats winding round my ankles because that was about all the scene was missing really. I had the incomprehensible slur of speech, the wild eyes and the crazy hair but by the grace of *something* I was missing the cats which means I still held at least one iota of dignity in my hand, something I am clasping on to very tightly at this moment in time.

Luckily the contents of the parcel were almost worth blinding and/or terrifying the cute post person into never coming back. I ordered a bunch of uber t-shirts from the US back in March and they arrived this morning. Simple things like this means I can begin my day with a smile for once but right now I need coffee before I can even begin to think about smiling.

If you have managed to pick your way through the minefield of parentheses, ellipsis and quotations that seems to have littered this post then I salute you.

Oh and now England has banned smoking from all but the most hidden of areas I bring you Friends Reignited. The name alone made me laugh but you should check out some of the comments for pure comedy gold.

You know your day is going to begin in a good way when at half past six in the morning you are awoken from lovely warm and interesting sleep by someone trying your door handle. When you open the door you are not greeted by a lovely steaming cup of coffee (which may I add should be the *only* way someone approaches me in the morning) but the only man in the household of women looking..scared.
Why the fear? A bird had gotten stuck in the chimney and can I come remove it because omg birds are like the scariest.thing.ever because they FLAP and SQUAWK and CRAP and PECK and it’s just toooooo much.
So there I stand, in my white heart pajama’s with my cute little spongebob night top (yes I have spongebob pj’s..anyone gonna make anything of it? ANYONE?), hair at gravity defying angles and probably looking like I had woken up from an alcohol and cocaine fuelled binge, being asked to come save man and bird from scaring the living crap out of each other.
10 minutes of trying to detach the metal plate from the blocked up chimney and I eventually won but alas I could see nothing but cobwebs and there was no way I was going to put my hand in that cold dark hole..I saw Arachnophobia thankyouverymuch.
I left to go back to bed because obviously the bird was intent on staying up there somewhere and functioning as a real person was not on my agenda for at least another 20 minutes, of course the moment I crawled back into the rapidly cooling warm spot in my bed I hear:
*thud*
‘OMG WOAAAH’
*flap flap flap*
‘Debbbbbbbbbbieeeeee?!?’

One towel and some gymnastic skills later the bird was caught and ready be released outside. I opened the door and…every single neighbor was out to witness the spongebob attired, crazy haired girl set a bird free and probably wonder just what the hell we get up in this house.

Oh and because he reads this blog let it be said that the bird was like..twenty foot tall with big sharp teeth and murder death kill in its eyes.

What do you get when you mix:

1) A forgetful housemate
2) An empty room.
3) A candle.
4) A day and night of pure burning time.

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